Tenerife

Now, I was surprised to actually hear many a complaint about the content of my first book, not, as one would expect, due to its storyline, no, actually the complaints have not come from the people so cruelly depicted in the book, they loved being lampooned in its pages. The complaints came from those not mentioned in the book! One can only assume that people love to be lampooned at every opportunity. Gluttons for punishment.

This presented me with an idea for a business opportunity, anybody giving me £50 will get a mention in book two. So please be patient when a random name pops up unexpectedly in the most inappropriate of places.

Perhaps it would be a better idea to put all the sponsored stories in one chapter for easy listing. I look upon it as more of a crowdfunding exercise.

But back to the music. As always, the tour starts with a hefty few dates in Spain, covering all points of the compass, from the ancient city of Cordoba in the south, to Bilbao in the north. A journey east, and then onto Barcelona for a week, which we use as our base until we return to the UK.

We have a new JPJ, Les having hung up his syrup to retire to the south coast where he bought a boat and has discovered the delights of aquatic pursuits. He can be now regularly seen sailing up and down the Solent singing jaunty sea shanties, getting new tattoos and watching cartoons of Popeye the sailorman. Now is the time to cue all the references to Captain Pugwash. Seaman Stains being the most popular reference, quickly followed by Rodger the cabin boy, and Master Bates.

Enter Donny, of Irish extraction, and, being a young chap, is full of testosterone and very keen to sample the local wares, in all its glorious shape and form. Donny has settled in very quickly and has been out shopping in the trendy Camden area of London to purchase some clothes in 70’s style. This mainly comprises of a pair of the tightest jeans I have ever seen ‘The Mighty Tighties’ and some flowery girls blouses such as worn by members of Led Zeppelin in that era. Lonny soon discovers that this semi androgynous look is a big hit now as it was then.

The bastard.

At gig number one he had three girls giving him a massage backstage! He has settled in well, masterful on both bass guitar and keys where his No Quarter is a highlight of the evening.

From hence we set off for dates in the Baltic, Ljubljana, Zagreb and Belgrade, where we had a spanking good time.

So exciting times, as now I sit on Norwegian airlines on the way to Tenerife for two sold out shows, with our Spanish promoter Nobby Mills. The El Pollon tour continues.

it’s 11pm when we land, haven’t a clue where our hotel is tomorrow as Nobby hasn’t told me. But I do know both the shows are sold out and Nobby has arranged a party, he is delighted also that I am now liberated and is keen to relive his ‘Cock Squad’ days, when, in the days of his youth he claims to be hitting 3 girls every night, except Monday, as that was his day off. Nobby thinks of himself as a sex object, he asks for sex and girls object is closer to the mark.

There could be trouble ahead!

Well, there is good news and there is bad news. First the good news. We have the most beautiful of hotels. The oldest building in the village, weighing in at over 400 years old, made of ancient oak and featuring the original kitchen with huge stove and ceramic sinks.

My room has incredibly high oak ceiling and a huge wrought iron medieval style bed. It looks very comfortable. The bad news is I never got to find out how comfortable it was, as, after the party arranged by Nobby. Of which I recall nothing! But sadly, as I got to my room I realised my key was the bottom of my gig bag, and as I kneeled down to open it I fell asleep on the floor outside my room, I was awoken from my esteemed repose by the Pete the beat, up for his early morning walk and in hot pursuit of a fridge magnet. I had pulled the beautiful Persian rug over me for warmth in the night. Well. If the bed was anywhere near as comfy as the floor would have been a result.

As we travel now to the next show all the band are nursing horrible hangovers, distant memories of the night before come trickling back, the Jaeger bombs, whos bright idea was that? Apparently, I may have spent the night on the floor in the hallway with other guests stepping over. But it appears that I fared the best of the band, the others got into all kinds of scrapes. So, yet again. I am the most sensible and well-behaved member of the band. Those boys!!!!!!! I don’t know what Randy got up to but he is light as a feather after losing that heavy load.

Checking in at todays hotel, it would appear I have the executive suite with panoramic views of the ocean and my own jacuzzi.

‘It’s theeeeeeeeee good life. la la laaaaa la la laaaaaaa’