Missing planes trains and automobiles

Just how it came to pass that I missed my flight home from Tenerife is not entirely clear, well not to me anyway.

Tenerife is a volcanic island and part of the Canaries, named by the Romans due to the abundance of dogs on the island, and not canaries as is commonly assumed. Billys fact of the daaaayyyyyy. You know Latin, Canines = Canaries, obvious now isn’t it.

Now most of you should know by now that I am the most sensible of rock gods. Nice cuppa tea before hitting the stage, maybe a biscuit. Certainly no partying for Billy. Well, that isn’t entirely true anymore.Last night I slept on the floor being stepped over by fellow guests, tonight, in stark contrast is the brand new Hard Rock hotel. My room is of particular magnificence, with various gifts from the hotel generously scattered around the suite.

Somehow, I managed to break by tour bag last night, so off I trot in search of a new one, several beers later the purchase is made and there is time to enjoy the views from the Jacuzzi over the town whist enjoying a chilled glass of the complimentary champagne.

Tonight is the first event to be staged at this magnificent edifice, so we are first band to play here. Slightly later than usual start tonight as we are competing with the Champions League final, Juve v Real. Thankfully no extra time or penalties were needed so can get onstage on time. As soon as the game finishes the flood gates open and the people quickly arrive. Some even have come again after the previous nights show in the north of the island.

Ok a few minor sound problems, but finally managed to fix it, with not much help from Nobby who was spotted in the pool at sound check and in the bar during the show asking girls if they fancied a coffee in his room. 
His ols chat up line from days of yore.
But all goes well. Some of the audience to seem a trifle drunk, one bride-to-be shouting to me that it is her last night of freedom! and offered me to join her after the show for a private drink in her room, of course, I graciously declined. 
As she was very, very drunk.

Another gig another after-show party!! this time at Micky Dee’s bar, The Rock Lounge, the Motorhead and Scorpions drummer was not in attendance tonight, but a cool bar where I am unceremoniously thrust onstage with the local band for a rousing version of Immigrant Song. Beautiful setting above the beach with the moonlight shimmering off the silver sea.

This is the scene for the fates to conspire for me to miss my flight. For some unknown reason, Nobby had booked us out on an early flight, we were all hoping for some time to relax on this most beautiful of resorts, but no, our car is booked for 9.30 am.

I would like to tell you more of this exciting evening only I don’t recall much more. There are lots of pics with me and random people I do not know where they were taken. But apparently the blame mainly is on the shoulders of a Polish girl who came equipped with everything one could desire to keep the party going all night, and it did!

I did manage to get back to my bed this time, but unfortunately, didn’t do so well in getting out of it again as I slept through the alarm and missed the car and my flight home, so I am stuck here for at least another day, in paradise. Or maybe I’ll go to Barcelona for a few days? Oh well, I’ll just have to Gin and bear it! I’m off the pool. See ya.

                                          Me, myself and I

Update: luckily, the rather attractive Italian promoter named Bella I had meet at the show last night heard of my, erm…… plight? Is that the right word? My predicament maybe? Situation, that’ll do. She has saved the day, Bella is driving from the north of the island to rescue me. She has kindly arranged a room and a flight home tomorrow afternoon. A different airport, so after the plane, I’ll get the train, and collect my automobile.

As lucky happen-chance would have it, she is free tonight for dinner too!
So all's well that ends well, as they say.

I hear it is raining in the U.K. Maybe if I play my cards right I can miss this flight too.

Tenerife

Now, I was surprised to actually hear many a complaint about the content of my first book, not, as one would expect, due to its storyline, no, actually the complaints have not come from the people so cruelly depicted in the book, they loved being lampooned in its pages. The complaints came from those not mentioned in the book! One can only assume that people love to be lampooned at every opportunity. Gluttons for punishment.

This presented me with an idea for a business opportunity, anybody giving me £50 will get a mention in book two. So please be patient when a random name pops up unexpectedly in the most inappropriate of places.

Perhaps it would be a better idea to put all the sponsored stories in one chapter for easy listing. I look upon it as more of a crowdfunding exercise.

But back to the music. As always, the tour starts with a hefty few dates in Spain, covering all points of the compass, from the ancient city of Cordoba in the south, to Bilbao in the north. A journey east, and then onto Barcelona for a week, which we use as our base until we return to the UK.

We have a new JPJ, Les having hung up his syrup to retire to the south coast where he bought a boat and has discovered the delights of aquatic pursuits. He can be now regularly seen sailing up and down the Solent singing jaunty sea shanties, getting new tattoos and watching cartoons of Popeye the sailorman. Now is the time to cue all the references to Captain Pugwash. Seaman Stains being the most popular reference, quickly followed by Rodger the cabin boy, and Master Bates.

Enter Donny, of Irish extraction, and, being a young chap, is full of testosterone and very keen to sample the local wares, in all its glorious shape and form. Donny has settled in very quickly and has been out shopping in the trendy Camden area of London to purchase some clothes in 70’s style. This mainly comprises of a pair of the tightest jeans I have ever seen ‘The Mighty Tighties’ and some flowery girls blouses such as worn by members of Led Zeppelin in that era. Lonny soon discovers that this semi androgynous look is a big hit now as it was then.

The bastard.

At gig number one he had three girls giving him a massage backstage! He has settled in well, masterful on both bass guitar and keys where his No Quarter is a highlight of the evening.

From hence we set off for dates in the Baltic, Ljubljana, Zagreb and Belgrade, where we had a spanking good time.

So exciting times, as now I sit on Norwegian airlines on the way to Tenerife for two sold out shows, with our Spanish promoter Nobby Mills. The El Pollon tour continues.

it’s 11pm when we land, haven’t a clue where our hotel is tomorrow as Nobby hasn’t told me. But I do know both the shows are sold out and Nobby has arranged a party, he is delighted also that I am now liberated and is keen to relive his ‘Cock Squad’ days, when, in the days of his youth he claims to be hitting 3 girls every night, except Monday, as that was his day off. Nobby thinks of himself as a sex object, he asks for sex and girls object is closer to the mark.

There could be trouble ahead!

Well, there is good news and there is bad news. First the good news. We have the most beautiful of hotels. The oldest building in the village, weighing in at over 400 years old, made of ancient oak and featuring the original kitchen with huge stove and ceramic sinks.

My room has incredibly high oak ceiling and a huge wrought iron medieval style bed. It looks very comfortable. The bad news is I never got to find out how comfortable it was, as, after the party arranged by Nobby. Of which I recall nothing! But sadly, as I got to my room I realised my key was the bottom of my gig bag, and as I kneeled down to open it I fell asleep on the floor outside my room, I was awoken from my esteemed repose by the Pete the beat, up for his early morning walk and in hot pursuit of a fridge magnet. I had pulled the beautiful Persian rug over me for warmth in the night. Well. If the bed was anywhere near as comfy as the floor would have been a result.

As we travel now to the next show all the band are nursing horrible hangovers, distant memories of the night before come trickling back, the Jaeger bombs, whos bright idea was that? Apparently, I may have spent the night on the floor in the hallway with other guests stepping over. But it appears that I fared the best of the band, the others got into all kinds of scrapes. So, yet again. I am the most sensible and well-behaved member of the band. Those boys!!!!!!! I don’t know what Randy got up to but he is light as a feather after losing that heavy load.

Checking in at todays hotel, it would appear I have the executive suite with panoramic views of the ocean and my own jacuzzi.

‘It’s theeeeeeeeee good life. la la laaaaa la la laaaaaaa’